Stop watching porn is an essential step to a better sex life. But quitting porn can also turn out to get more challenging than you might imagine. If you really want to stop watching porn for good, you have come to the right place.
I was watching porn almost daily for more than a decade as I described in my TEDx Talk How to Become a Sex God. I have been trying to stop watching porn for almost another decade before I finally succeeded. Along the way, I have learned a lot about what really matters and works. To save you time, energy, and maybe even pain, I want to share my knowledge, experiences, and insights with you.
1. Start with Why
If we want to change a stubborn habit or a full-blown addiction, we need to focus on what we want rather than what we don’t want. It’s not different for quitting porn.
There is a reason why you are reading this guide? What’s your motivation to stop watching porn? Are you wasting too much time and energy? Is your relationship suffering? For me, it was porn-induced erectile dysfunction that got me started on my journey of sexual healing and growth.
Your why becomes a guide and vital resource when things get rough, and they most likely will. Take some time to write down your motivation for why you want to stop watching porn. What is it that you want more than porn? For me, it’s a richer and more meaningful sex life.
If you are looking for inspiration, make sure to check out 5 Reasons Why You Should Quit Porn Right Now.
2. Write a Break-Up Letter
After you have identified your reasons to stop watching porn, I want to invite you to make a commitment and write a break-up letter to porn. This might sound silly at first but hear me out.
Addiction can be seen as a substitute relationship that satisfies a deep-rooted craving for connection. Any addictive substance or process takes advantage of this need isolating you more and more in the process. Ttry to see porn as an abusive partner that takes advantage of your vulnerability.
Writing such a letter has a powerful therapeutic aspect because it states a strong intention on an emotional level. Write the letter like you were breaking up with a real person. Use the reasons you have identified above and reflect on how porn has hurt you and kept you from getting what you really want.
It’s okay to get sad and angry. It’s even important to do so. Sadness allows you to grieve about the negative consequences, and anger empowers you to take it no longer.
3. Get Rid of Pornographic and Triggering Material
I think it goes without saying that it’s crucial to get rid of all pornographic material you might still have stored on your devices in order to stop watching porn for good. This includes videos, images, bookmarks, and browser history. All of this can become a significant vulnerability if not done correctly.
Make sure to delete all files permanently. There is software like CleanMyMac X or CleanMyPC that you can use to do that. If you have any BluRays, DVDs or magazines at home, they have to go too.
Additionally, I recommend unfollowing all social media accounts posting half-naked or sexually suggestive content, especially on Instagram and Tiktok. If you think about it, what’s the benefit you get besides a short dopamine spike? Exactly!
In general, I would recommend taking a social media break for 30 days to support recovering from porn, but this might be asking too much for some at this point. Everyone should use their best judgment on this, but I would suggest not overburdening yourself initially. A great book on that topic is Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life by Nir Eyal.
4. Install a Porn Filter on All Your Devices
Next in quitting porn successfully is installing a porn filter on all your devices for a while. It has made an enormous difference in my recovery once I committed to doing that.
Sooner or later, an urge will hit, and willpower is a finite resource. This is true, especially for the beginning of your journey to stop watching porn when you are still most vulnerable. This is when you want that extra layer of protection.
Sure, there will always be a way to bypass any filtering software if you search long enough for a loophole, but it’s not about total security. All you want is to slow you down long enough so you can deal with an acute urge and move on. I have tested a lot of filtering software over the years, and I have found Covenant Eyes to be the most effective.
“Protecting our future self from the long-term consequences of short-sighted decisions. “
Porn blockers usually only filter out porn sites. Now, some sites allow pornographic material but are not porn sites per definition, such as Reddit, Twitter and OnlyFans . I would highly recommend adding these two sites manually to your block list. Both were pitfalls for me in the past.
Another vulnerability for me was online dating sites and apps for a very long time. A slippery slope that more often than not sent me down the path to watching porn again. I highly recommend blocking all online dating sites and apps you have been using, especially if you used them for sexting and sending nudes.
I get that it might be difficult if you are single, but online dating activates the same reward circuits as porn does and keeps you spellbound in the illusion of connection.
5. Get an Accountability Partner
Your chances of quitting porn for good will increase considerably with an accountability partner. Knowing someone is supporting and rooting for you can be a powerful motivational resource when things get bumpy. There are different approaches to choosing an accountability partner.
My recommendation would be a close friend that you trust and with whom you can be open and honest about your situation. Asking your partner might be another option, but only if porn hasn’t been an issue in your relationship. Hearing about a setback could inflict more emotional pain in your partner and further strain your relationship.
If you are not comfortable telling someone in person just yet, that’s fine too. You can find an accountability partner online in so-called rebooting forums such as NoFap or Reboot Nation.
“Accountability breeds response-ability.” ― Stephen Covey
Once you have decided on an accountability partner, tell him or her about your situation. Ask them to hold you accountable by checking in with you at least once a week. Ideally, you meet up in person and talk about how the previous week went. You could discuss what went well and where you struggled.
Additionally, I would recommend agreeing on reaching out to them during the week when an urge hits or when you feel vulnerable. This can be a quick call on the phone or a short message. It’s all about staying connected and feeling supported. It’s essential to be 100% honest about relapses and setbacks because secrecy fuels shame, and shame fuels addiction.
Covenant Eyes is not only a powerful porn filter but is, first and foremost, an accountability software. It monitors your internet connection and scans your screen for pornographic material. If it detects suspicious connections or images, it informs your accountability partner with a daily report. This has proven to be very effective for me to finally stop watching porn.
6. Track Your Progress
A day counter is one of the most used tools when it comes to quitting porn. It’s a simple counter that counts the number of days you have abstained from porn. Tracking sobriety is a double-edged sword, though.
On the one hand, tracking your progress and setbacks provides you with vital information to use as ammunition in your battle against porn. You might realize that you are more likely to relapse on weekends than on weekdays and use that information accordingly.
On the other hand, focusing too much on reaching a specific number or getting discouraged after resetting the counter to Day 0 after a relapse might be counterproductive. Hitting Day 90 will not magically turbo-boost your sex life, and having one relapse doesn’t wipe out all the progress you have made.
“You can’t improve what you don’t measure, and you can’t measure what you don’t track.”
Nevertheless, I recommend using a day counter to track your progress, collect all the useful information you can get, and use it as a motivational tool without getting too hung up about it.
A great app I have been using for years now is Streaks, with which you can track not only good habits but also bad habits that you want to quit. It’s only available for iOS, but I am sure there are many similar apps for Android.
7. Practice Mindfulness
There is one habit that almost all successful people have in common, as Tim Ferris states in his book Tools of Titans: The Tactics, Routines, and Habits of Billionaires, Icons, and World-Class. You might have guessed it already – it’s a daily meditation practice.
Meditation is the simplest and cheapest way to build up mindfulness. If we want to change any bad habit or battle any addiction, we need mindfulness because mindlessness is precisely what got us into our current situation. Mindfulness means becoming aware of what’s going on within you. In return, this will teach you that any kind of experience is transient because nothing stays the same.
Both aspects are important when it comes to quitting porn because we need to notice when we get triggered, and we also want to learn to accept an urge for what it is, a transient experience. Once we truly grasp that concept, we can sit with an urge, accept it, and let it go again. The same goes for fantasies that can quickly become a slippery slope in recovery. I am confident that not willpower but mindfulness is the most valuable skill on our journey to stop watching porn and the key to lasting freedom.
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ― Buddha
You can read as much as you want about mindfulness and meditation, but you won’t learn how to do it until you sit down and do it. Believe me, I have become a master in intellectualizing, but mindfulness is the exact opposite. It’s about stepping back and observing and becoming aware of what’s going on within you, both physically and mentally.
Mindfulness meditation is actually very simple. All you have to do is sit still, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. If a thought or sensation appears, you notice it and redirect your attention back to the breath. Do this daily for 10 minutes in the morning, and you will develop a solid meditation practice in no time.
It sounds simple, but it’s certainly not easy. I tried a couple of different approaches before I found Headspace. It’s an app for iOS and Android that teaches you mindfulness through guided meditation.
What I like about Headspace is that it starts with just a couple of minutes daily and slowly builds up. I also loved that you don’t hear the same recording twice, which was a problem with previous approaches since I knew the exact words after a couple of times listening to it. And I simply love Andy’s voice. It’s very soothing and radiates a lot of wisdom and kindness.
Make sure to also check out my blog post Self-Control and The Restrained Brain for the best approaches on how to deal with urges and fantasies.
8. Start Journaling
Journaling is another habit that I highly recommend to succeed in stop watching porn. Sometimes people think it’s either meditation or journaling. In reality, both habits complement each other nicely.
Journaling has a therapeutic quality because it helps you step out of your destructive thought spirals, and negative emotions. Expressing your feelings, either verbally or written, can help loosen the grip they have over you. What’s more, having to structure your thoughts and bringing them in sequential order can help you distract valuable information.
When quitting porn, this could be identifying specific triggers or vulnerabilities that you then can use intentionally in your recovery. Applying a cognitive-behavioral therapy approach can further help you start to spot cognitive distortions sooner, which subsequently allow you to change your behavior progressively along the way.
“Writing is medicine.” ― Julia Cameron
When it comes to journaling, there exist many different approaches. I would recommend writing daily about your day for about 5-10 minutes, preferably in the evening. I write about key events of the day, specific memorable emotions I experienced, and whether I had to deal with urges or fantasies.
Suppose I experience a strong urge during the day. In that case, I usually make an extra entry about that urge right away, writing about the specific situation and possible triggers that might have caused it. Another additional entry that I would encourage you to write about is right after a relapse. These entries contain valuable information to adapt your strategy.
Just like meditation, journaling is cheap and easily accessible. All you need is a pen and paper really or any device where you can write text. You can use a classic or digital notebook, a Word file on your computer, or a specific journal app. I searched long and hard for a satisfying app because I forgot to bring my notebook whenever I was on the road.
Just recently, I found an app that I am currently testing. It’s called Journey by Moleskin. It shows me my daily habits; it lets me track my mood and journal about my day. It’s available for iOS and as a web app.
9. Create an Emergency System
Use the information about vulnerabilities you gather through tracking and journaling to create a reliable emergency system for your recovery. It consists of a specific safety protocol and a first aid kit.
A safety protocol is a predetermined set of tasks for vulnerable moments when an acute urge might dampen long-term thinking. One of my most vulnerable moments for a very long time was when I got back home from a party feeling tired and lonely. This was the moment I relapsed the most.
Since I didn’t want to stop going to parties forever, I had to develop a specific routine for these moments that would replace my habit of watching porn and falling asleep. It was a self-care routine that addressed the specific unmet needs of those particular moments.
It included a hot shower and preparing a nutritious breakfast to relax and nurture my strained body, as well as watching an episode of Friends to soothe my acute emotional need for connection and belonging. I would support my future self by preparing everything in advance so that executing the routine would take as little effort as possible for me at the moment.
“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.” ― Abraham Lincoln
You could even use a technique used by professional athletes to prepare for a competition called visualization. Using your imagination to visualize going through the specific movements beforehand can help you prime your brain, making it even more effortless in the moment executing the routine.
I would do it for 5 minutes before going out. I would visualize how I came home in the morning and executed the routine step by step, using as many senses as possible. I would imagine the hot water on my body, the taste of the breakfast in my mouth, and the cozy feeling of being snuggled up in bed watching Friends until I fall asleep.
Additionally, I recommend creating a first aid kit for unpredictable moments of vulnerability or emotional emergencies. I suggest adding the brake-up letter to porn that should remind you why you are doing this in the first place.
Furthermore, I added a written safety routine that prompted me to meditate, journal, exercise, or call a friend. You could even add inspirational quotes or maybe some pieces of chocolate. Be a good friend to your future self and think about what you might need in a moment like this.
Since many people use porn to soothe emotional discomfort, I also recommend reading the book Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts by Guy Winch.
10. Establish Healthy Habits and Routines
Charles Duhigg explains in his bestseller The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business that you can’t really quit a bad habit; you can only replace it. Every habit, whether it’s good or bad, addresses a specific need. The same is true for every addictive behavior.
Identifying these needs and addressing them in a healthy way is vital to stop watching porn. I usually watched porn when I felt lonely, tired, or stressed. The underlying needs that I could identify where connection, feeling energized as well as relaxation. I then came up with healthy activities that would address these needs, such as talking to a friend, going to the gym, or meditation.
This means whenever I feel the urge to watch porn, I take a minute to figure out what need lies behind the urge and address it in a healthy way. Journaling is a great way to help you uncover these needs. Proactively managing your needs in a healthy way will eliminate urges at the root. Turning these healthy activities into habits is another cornerstone in quitting porn.
When it comes to creating new habits, it’s best to introduce new habits one after the other. So start with one habit and do it regularly at the same time and, if possible, at the same place. Start small and slowly build up along the way. If you want to start a daily meditation practice, do it every morning for five minutes for the first week. Add a minute the second week and so forth. Once it has become more or less effortless, introduce your next habit.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” — Aristotl
Another great approach that has worked wonders for me is habit stacking—combing two or more habits into a routine. My morning routine consists of taking a shower, followed by 10 minutes of meditation and 15 minutes of yoga. Combining the habits into a routine decreases the amount of willpower it takes to do them all individually.
Especially if porn has become an addiction, it’s essential to build a strong structure that supports your recovery. I have created morning, afternoon, and evening routines that build the foundation for my day. I then organize my day around these pillars.
The trick is to build a strong enough structure that supports you in proactively addressing your needs but flexible enough not to break when plans change, or life gets messy. The goal is good enough, not perfect. When it comes to health, your choices regarding food, exercise, and sleep are critical. Make them a priority because a healthy body is a foundation for a healthy mind.
I would recommend tracking your progress for the first month or so. There is a ton of habit tracking apps out there. As I have mentioned above already, I used Streaks the last couple of years successfully, but it’s only available for iOS.
You can find more great information about creating lasting habits in James Clear’s book Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones
11. Gamify Your Recovery
Changing any stubborn habit or recovering from addiction doesn’t necessarily sound like fun at first. But we can make quitting porn fun, which can further increase our chances of success. All we have to do is turn it into a game.
Gamification is a way to make use of elements games use to make them fun. One of the most obvious ones is keeping score. You might be doing it anyway by keeping a day tracker. All you have to do now is define milestones and rewards to gamify it. To stop watching porn forever might sound like an impossible task at the beginning. The trick is to focus on the next milestone and rewarding yourself for reaching it.
Going seven days without watching porn can, for some, be already a pretty big goal. It certainly was for me when I started my journey. So make day seven a milestone and reward yourself with something specific and immediate to motivate yourself. Once you reach day seven, set the next milestone, and define a new reward.
Games usually not only reward success but also punish mistakes. This means you could define a penalty for every time you relapse. An approach that has proven successful is defining a certain amount of money that you have to donate if you relapse. You could donate it to an organization that focuses on a cause you support. Even more motivating would be to give it to an organization that focuses on a cause you don’t support.
If you chose to give that approach a try, it’s important to define an amount that is uncomfortable but won’t really hurt you financially. I would advise joining this approach with an accountability partner, who makes the transaction in case of a relapse. Managing it yourself is way too susceptible for bailing, rendering the approach meaningless.
The “human mind is a story processor, not a logic processor.” — Jonathan Haidt
Wanna go a step further? You can build on that and use the elements of storytelling to make it more engaging. Turn yourself into the hero or your personal Hero’s Journey. Define enemies such as urges or procrastination and reward yourself when you win a battle. Go on quests and collect experience points with every healthy habit you do instead of watching porn.
Hitting the gym or doing your daily meditation session then doesn’t become just another item to check off on your habit tracker but becomes a way to prepare yourself for your next battle. As a screenwriter, I know about the power of storytelling. Use it to your advantage.
There are two excellent books I recommend. The first is called SuperBetter: The Power of Living Gamefully by Jane McGonigal. She’s a game designer and gamified her tedious recovery from a severe brain injury. The other is called Level Up Your Life: How to Unlock Adventure and Happiness by Becoming the Hero of Your Own Story by Steve Kamb, who provides a blueprint and lots of inspiration about turning quitting porn into your personal Hero’s Journey.
A habit tracking app that I have used for quite some time and has gamification built right in is called Habitica. It might be a bit overwhelming at first, but it probably was the most fun way to build habits and reach goals I have encountered so far.
12. Learn Everything about (Porn) Addiction
Knowledge is power. This is true for quitting porn as much as for everything else. Understanding how porn hijacks your brain will create more awareness for yourself and your situation. What’s more, it can motivate and comfort you along the way, knowing you are not the only one because countless other people trod a similar or maybe even more difficult path than you and succeeded.
When it comes to porn addiction, a good start is this website. I try to write as extensively about the subject as possible. I want to encourage you to browse through the website, read the blog posts, or watch the videos that speak to you. Make sure also to read some of the comments to get more perspectives.
Another great website that has helped me a lot at the beginning is Gary Wilsons yourbrainonporn.com. His book with the same title presents the sheer infinite amount of information on his website in an easily digestible way.
“We all have pain. And we all look for ways to make the pain go away.” ― Sherman Alexie
In the end, porn addiction is part of the much broader definition of sex addiction. Reading about how porn addiction fits into the different levels of sex addiction and how one can escalate to higher levels with porn being kind of the gateway drug was both fascinating and shocking at the same time. A great introductory read is Out of the Shadows by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. If you want to dive deeper into sex addiction and recovery, I can highly recommend Don’t Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction by the same author.
From yet a broader perspective, I would recommend reading about addiction in general. A lot has changed in the last decades and years. First, society called addicts weak and a moral failure, then medical professionals labeled them as sick, and recently science started to understand addiction as a maladapted learning process.
A great book that dives into that topic is The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction Is Not a Disease by Marc Lewis. I also enjoyed Johann Hari’s book Chasing the Scream, in which he argues that not sobriety is the opposite of addiction but connection. His TED Talk Everything You Know About Addiction Is Wrong is an excellent introduction to his insights.
13. Join a Support Group
Another game-changer for me in my recovery was joining a support group. For a long time, I thought that I could do this on my own, but I failed repeatedly. Once I joined a weekly support group and made it a priority, I was accelerating in my recovery.
Joining a support group has many benefits. The most obvious one is that you don’t have to fight this fight alone. In contrast to an accountability partner who might not struggle with porn herself or himself, a support group lets you connect with people dealing with a similar situation. Sometimes it’s easier to open up and be honest with someone who knows first hand what you are struggling with. Even if you think you might be the only one, I can assure you, you are not. This is toxic shame speaking.
On a deeper level, joining a support group might be the most crucial step in addressing toxic shame. Shame per se isn’t a problem and an essential regulator for a healthy society. Toxic shame, on the other hand, is a feeling that tells you that you are broken and ultimately unloveable.
“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story.” ― Brené Brown
Toxic shame is an integral part of every addiction, fueling the addiction cycle, and more often than not, it’s the root cause itself. Telling your story, feeling heard and accepted despite your shortcomings is a tremendously vital resource in recovery and might be another key for healing and lasting freedom.
If you want to learn more about toxic shame and how to heal it, I recommend the book Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. Brené Brown is a scholar who studies shame and has written multiple books about it. I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power is a great introduction to her work.
When it comes to joining a support group, there is a couple of approaches. Twelve-Step Groups that have evolved out of Alcoholic Anonymous have become very popular, especially in bigger cities worldwide.
There are groups explicitly addressing sexuality and relationships. One of them is Sexual Compulsive Anonymous. They even have secular groups for people who are put off by the group’s spiritual aspects. A very accessible and contemporary take on the Twelve Steps comes from Russel Brand in his book Recovery – Freedom From Our Addictions.
The option I chose is an online group that focuses on quitting porn. We meet once a week and have a more open format compared to a Twelve Steps Group. We meet every Saturday for an hour and share how our week went. What went well and where we struggled. Others can comment on that and share advice or give encouragement. At the end of every session, we define our goals for the upcoming week.
In addition to our weekly meeting, we try to check-in daily through a messaging system staying connected and holding each other accountable during the week. The group I am part of is hosted by Safehouse and part of Fortify. You can find more information about Fortify at the very bottom.
14. Address Your Root Causes
Let’s switch perspectives for a moment and don’t see porn addiction as something inherently bad but a well-intended strategy of the mind to cope with painful emotional experiences. Sure, chronic porn overconsumption has negative consequences too, but they might pale in comparison. If we don’t address these root causes at one point, we might only switch one coping strategy for another.
No-one grows up without experiencing pain and trauma along the way. That’s just life, and we have to make our peace with it. What determines whether we need to develop coping mechanisms are the resources that are available to us, especially in the first couple of years. Since human babies are the most helpless of any species, our parents or attachment figures are our most important resource. If they fail to be good enough or are themselves the origin of trauma, the brain puts coping mechanisms in place to deal with unresolved pain.
Traumatic experiences, such as violence and sexual abuse, are the most severe but also the most obvious ones. Emotional abuse and neglect are much harder to spot but can have similar severe consequences, particularly if they were chronic. A great book that dives into developmental trauma is the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.
“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.” ― David Richo
I was suffering from severe anxiety disorder for most of my twenties due to an early abandonment trauma. Porn became a way for me to leave anxiety behind, feeling connected and alive for the time of using. Of course, this feeling was not sustainable, and what’s more, it prevented me from healing and connecting. The best approach to address and work through these experiences and help us eliminate the coping mechanisms that once were helpful when we were dependent but become a burden once we grow up is therapy.
There are different approaches when it comes to therapy. For the first couple of years, I did talk-therapy and used tools from cognitive behavioral therapy. It helped me understand and make sense of my past by identifying destructive beliefs and spotting them when they get triggered. Furthermore, it helped me correct my behavior in the present and thus reduce the negative consequences porn addiction can cause.
Heal the Inner Child
Once I felt more secure, and in control, I progressed to the next and probably most crucial step: Body-centered psychotherapy. Talk therapy is a very cognitive approach, but my trauma was inflected at a very early age, as is most developmental trauma. It’s hard to deal with something that only exists as a feeling of helplessness and impending doom in the body.
Somatic experiencing was a first gentle approach to get in touch with the wounded inner child – which is a useful metaphor to describe arrested developmental patterns. Trauma release exercise in combination with breathwork helped me, in the end, to finally release the repressed pain consisting of a melange of sadness, anger, anxiety, and shame, which kept me hostage for more than 30 years and fueled my addiction.
So why not going straight to trauma release? I am sure that I needed to build up all the resources I have mentioned above to handle the pain released through that process. It was an exhausting ten-day process of shaking, crying, and screaming. The danger of retraumatization is too high if the psyche and the body are not equipped to handle the sensations and emotions. You can learn more about breathwork here and about trauma release exercises here, which even the US military uses to treat PTSD.
“We cannot heal what we cannot feel.” ― John Bradshaw
You can find a variety of trained and certified therapists in all major cities. Finding the right therapist is essential, so don’t settle for the first one if you don’t feel comfortable or safe, even if it might trigger guilt in you. If not therapists, who else would take it less personally?
I would definitely recommend a face-to-face therapy session, but you also have the option of phone or online therapy today. It’s sometimes cheaper and accessible from anywhere with an internet or phone connection. A service I haven’t tried myself yet but have heard good things about is Better Help. I especially like that they have therapists that are LGBTIQ* sensitive, which I personally consider very important.
If you can’t afford a therapist just yet, I can recommend the book Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. Another great book, especially for dealing with masculinity, is No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life by Robert A Glover.
And for guys who identify as queer, I highly recommend Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World by Alan Downs and Straight Jacket: Overcoming Societies Legacy of Gay Shame by Matthew Todd. The latter takes more contemporary aspects of queer life into accounts, such as online dating and chemsex.
15. Cultivate a Fullfilling Life
The best insurance against any addiction is a healthy and fulfilling life. But what makes a fulfilling life? Science starts to uncover core elements that are vital for a fulfilling life.
First and foremost, we are social animals. We have been living in tribes ever since. Therefore, relationships are hardwired into our DNA, and a sense of connection and belonging may be the most important source of happiness. Living by oneself is, historically speaking, a very recent phenomenon. Slowly, science starts to uncover the adverse effects loneliness can have on psychological and physical health.
Although we feel connected 24/7 through social media and messaging services, we have never felt lonelier. A recent study discovered that 3 in 5 Americans feel lonely. Forbes magazine even spoke of a loneliness epidemic, especially among millennials. Another highly vulnerable group are LGBTIQ* people, as The Huffington Post wrote about in Together Alone – The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness.
“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.” — Paul Tournier
Loneliness certainly was one of my main root causes that drove my porn addiction. A great start to explore these topics is the books Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John T. Cacioppo.
Cultivating meaningful relationships is obviously the cure. But what differentiates a meaningful from a more fleeting relationship? Besides time and energy in the form of attention, one of the critical aspects of a meaningful relationship is vulnerability—the ability to open up and be honest.
A great read about this topic is The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help by Amanda Palmer. It’s a testament to vulnerability and connection. Another great book that ties in with this topic is Lost Connections: Why You’re Depressed and How to Find Hope by Johann Hari and his TED Talk This Could Be Why You Are Depressed or Anxious.
Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships can be a major source of security and happiness but also cause stress and pain. The reason for that is that significant relationships mirror our attachment styles from childhood and trigger unresolved emotional patterns.
Becoming aware of these patterns can become another vital aspect of emotional healing and recovery. Most trauma from childhood is relational trauma. It was caused in a relationship and can only heal through a relationship. That’s why the statement “You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else “is only partly true.
“Love is a skill, not a feeling.” ― Erich Fromm
A great book that dives into that topic is Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin. There is even a version for singles called Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate.
Another excellent workbook for couples that helps uncover unconscious patterns from childhood and see distorted expectations about love and relationships comes from the School of Life and is called The Couples Workbook: Homework To Help Love Last.
I also enjoyed The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships by Mali Apple and Joe Dunn. And more generally speaking, I simply recommend to every human being on this planet to read the classic The Art of Loving by German psychoanalyst Erich Fromm. To summarize the book in one sentence:
It’s All About Meaning
At the very end, I want to address the most philosophical topic there is: Meaning. I won’t be able to answer the questions: “What is the meaning of life? ” But science has discovered that having a sense of meaning is a vital aspect of a happy and satisfying life.
If you are an atheist like myself, the challenge of giving life meaning is upon you. This can be really any activity that ignites passion and a sense of purpose within you, whether it’s a hobby or a profession.
According to science, one of the most enjoyable activities that result in happiness is helping others. Our evolutionary advantage over other species was cooperation. Working together and helping others is hardwired in our DNA, and that’s probably why biology seems to reward us for altruistic and cooperative behavior.
“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” ― Charles Dickens
A great book I can recommend on that topic is The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness by Emily Esfahani Smith.
If you look at porn addiction from a different angle, you can even find meaning in there. The silver lining is that my past behavior has resulted in uncomfortable enough consequences that forced me to closely examine my (sex) life and make better and more conscious decisions. It has sent me on a journey of discovery, healing, and growth that I might not have embarked on if things would have been okay enough.
In that sense, I am grateful and guess what: Gratitude is another key element to a fulfilling life.
What’s Next?
This might be a lot of information right now. But first things first. If you are not sure if you are at risk for porn addiction, take the porn addiction test here first.
Depending on if you want to get rid of an annoying habit or recover from a full-blown addiction, you might need to do only some or all of the steps above to stop watching porn. Focus on what speaks to you first and work your way through it. Recovering from addiction might sound overwhelming at first, especially if you have to figure out everything on your own at the same time. A guided recovery program helps in a situation like this.
I can highly recommend Fortify, an online recovery program that guides you step by step, including most of the steps I mentioned above. This includes psychoeducation, progress tracking, gamification, and even offers online support groups. Fortify has helped me a lot to finally stop watching porn
This guide is a work in progress since I am still in recovery. This means I’ll regularly update and expand this section. Subscribe to the Sex God Digest below to follow me on my journey.
